minor setbacks.

This past Sunday, we did a jumping clinic with the infamous Marilyn Payne. While it absolutely could have been worse, Rue and I had a rough time.

The clinic was focused on gymnastics and developing a good eye for our "line."  Rue is always a little hot over fences, but this was something else. The whole time, she was explosive and crooked to each fence and each time she surged forward and launched over something, my back decided to have a little whimper.  This meant that as the clinic went on, the worse my riding got and I felt myself ultimately hanging on her face, which never helps.

To boot, I was riding in a saddle that did NOT fit her or me, since my saddle is currently out getting adjusted. I also forgot to swap out the extra-flexi Sprengers that - while fine for flatting - make my back extra cranky when I jump. Oops.

We also really haven't been jumping that much recently.  It's usually fine, and Rue is game, but I am just not strong enough to ride effectively anymore. My back gives me a lot of limitations and the days of No-Stirrup Champion of the World are long behind me because of it.

By the end of the clinic, something wasn't quite right. Rue quit on me and started stopping... at poles. If you know Rue, you know that she's a stadium and XC machine. She might give a good look, but she doesn't really stop often. We eventually got through it and Marilyn let us quit on a relatively quiet note, but I walked out feeling embarrassed.

My embarrassment soon faded and settled into worry. Sarah hopped in the driver's seat, turned to me, and said, "I *really* think she needs her hocks done."  I nodded. (I called the vet first thing today and set up an appointment for Friday.)

The conversation soon turned towards me and my back. Sarah asked me quite plainly if I'd ever considered selling Rue for something that was less hot  (ie: something easier on my sad, pathetic spine). She poignantly noted that me being crippled after a jump school isn't ideal.

I admit to her that I have thought of it. But that I don't know if riding Rue is the problem. I expanded on my admission to confess that I haven't really been following all of the doctor's orders, which were:

1. Do physical therapy stretches daily. Fail.
2. Massage therapy every 1-2 weeks. Another fail.
3. Wear brace while riding. Big fat fail.
4. Don't run until you've lost enough weight to make successful rehab likely. Super extra fail.

I got the world's biggest you're-an-idiot glare and a nice talking to.

Welp. Okay, so before we jump to the conclusion that Rue is making my back aggravated.. maybe I need to reevaluate how well I listen to my medical professionals.

It's hard though. I just have such a difficult time accepting that I have limitations that I didn't used to have. PT stretches are boring. I HATE massage. My brace is annoying. I don't know how to lose weight without running.

Writing those out makes them seem so trite. Every single one of those things is an excuse that is preventing me from becoming a good rider, healthier person, and better version of myself. It's time to stop.

So.. massage tomorrow (ugh), doctor on Monday to discuss another steroid shot and getting a brace that is less awful to wear, and today setting a diet plan to lose weight without running it all off.

Okay, 2017. I see your bullshit setbacks and I raise you a dismissive and determined middle finger.

<3 A