If you're lucky enough to have a horse, and unlucky enough to have a non-horsey full time job to fund said horse, you know just how hard the balancing act between work and barn time can be.
I say "unlucky" but I actually love my job. And because my fabulous, non-profit, education company is California-based, I work from a home office, with fairly flexible hours. My manager is all about helping me achieve work-life balance and making sure I don't overextend myself.
That said, if I could be rich enough to afford horses without it, I would probably quit in a heartbeat and spend all my time at the barn.
I consider myself very fortunate to have the ability (mostly) to shuffle my hours around and make it out to the barn 5-6 days a week. And if you know me, I am a compulsive planner - so every half-hour increment of my day is accounted for in both my Google calendar and my Passion Planner. This also means that when life throws a wrench into my happily-cranking machine of a life, I spiral a little bit out of control.
It happens more often than I care to acknowledge, as I have been dealing with a litany of chronic health issues for, oh, most of my life. I'm sure that they all will make cameos here as time goes on, but the most recent offender has been my back. My back has always been a little grumpy, ever since I was a kid, but a few years ago, I was hit by a car and fractured several vertebrae.. causing trauma-induced scoliosis, and a couple of disc herniations. Huzzah. Since then, it's been a hotHOThot mess of issues.
After several, eh, heated discussions surrounding spinal fusions and hardware, my orthopedist and I agreed on the more conservative treatment plan of physical therapy, medication, steroid injections, and REST. I faithfully obliged (sort of.. as much as I could..) and got myself to a healthy-ish place. Being inactive was hard for me. I don't really like staying still and several months of being unable to ride, run, bike, or lift, left me pretty depressed, hella weak, and 30 lbs heavier.
When I got the go-ahead to start riding, I hit the barn THAT day. And rode in a clinic the following weekend :x
Miraculously, it held up. At least, well enough for me to continue riding and showing for the next few months. It bought me time to spend this winter building on our flatwork. Every once in a while, I felt a tweak. I'd head home, pop a muscle relaxer and an anti-inflammatory, and sit with the heating pad on while Netflix-binging. It worked.
Until it didn't.
This Sunday after the dressage show, I woke up with the all-too-familiar sensation of numbness in my right leg and a stabbing, evil pain in my lower right back. I put my elbows underneath me and tried to sit up. NOPE.
NOPENOPENOPE.
I've been pretty much on the floor since then. Today it's Wednesday and this is the first time I can sort of sit comfortably. I hobbled to the barn yesterday to lunge my horse, and Sarah told me to go home - that she would ride Rue the next few days, to rest so I can feel better by Sunday because, oh, yeah, I have a clinic with Marilyn Payne to ride in.
So I'm "resting" today and tomorrow. Really, I am sitting at my desk with my feet up and a heating pad, grumbling relentlessly about all the hard work I am going to lose if my back decides to keep being a jerk. And that's really what I wanted to rant about here: the unfairness of it.
Having chronic illnesses makes riding harder. It means that even if you find the time, your body may not agree to let you use it. It means that working until midnight and rearranging schedules just so you can squeeze rides in isn't even worth it. It means that you watch with frustration as other riders, able-bodied and healthy, do a half-assed job working their horses - barely riding even though they can.
I get angry with the "I can'ts" that are really "I won'ts," and I watch sadly from the sidelines, or on the other side of a computer screen, jealously wishing I could trade with them.. just for a while. That I could have a healthy, agreeable body so I could sit the trot comfortably, or stretch taller through my transitions.
But that's life, right? We're all dealt unfair hands in one way or another, and my health is mine.
The bottom line is, my love for riding far outweighs the physical pain or the frustration I get from constant setbacks. So for now, I'll keep pushing through for the days when my body lets me do what I love.. and I'll savor every moment of it.
<3 A
No comments:
Post a Comment