when it rains.

I've been avoiding writing anything because that would ultimately mean I'd need to reflect on the last few weeks and.. well, I haven't wanted to.

But after having a big fat pity party for myself last night (during which I sat with Cole and stuffed my face full of Chinese food and sobbed about life), I've picked myself up and dusted off the layer of "Why me?" that I've been wearing lately.

Here's the general scoop: Rue got her hocks done while I recovered from my latest back issue. During this time, I scheduled another skin-cancer surgery on my nose that consists of a pretty decent reconstruction (about 2 weeks of down time - that is happening later this month), my uncle died, and then of course there is the real issue - the one that has had me all consumed: I found out that my dad has a mesenteric mass in his abdomen.

After I found out, I spent a few days just in shock, absorbing it all, trying to figure out what it all means. Words like "lymphoma" and "chemotherapy" have been thrown around and I just can't quite figure out what to make of it. I vacillate between trying to be strong for my family - doing my best not to show how scared I am - and melting down. There have been lots of appointments and there will be plenty more, I'm sure. But recently we got the best news we could really hope for - that if it is the dreaded L word, it's at least early. Whatever it is, it needs to come out. After that, we'll take it from there.

This has been my focus - and I think understandably so. But that means that the rest of my life has been put on hold. As much as I love riding, I can't quite give enough shits about it to shift the focus off of my family right now.

All that said, I really haven't been riding. I had one decent ride last week, and Rue was okay. A little reactive and weird. Swishing her tail. Impossible to brush. But I just chalked it up to sensitive Thoroughbred skin and crappy cold weather.  Then Sarah did a training ride on her last week and said she was sensitive and just not quite being herself. Again, maybe just the fact that we hadn't been working her much? But then.. a bit off her feed. Eating, but slowly, though her teeth had just recently been done.

We tried a lesson yesterday and it was telling.  Rue was mostly obedient while we flatted but again, a bit weird off my leg. Sarah asked how she felt and I said, kind of unsure of myself - fine? I think? Maybe a bit sensitive? I don't know. I doubt myself and my feel in all of these situations. We started trotting poles. Mostly fine. Kind of quiet.

Until it wasn't. For seemingly no reason, Rue surged forward, leaping 41981471013 feet in the air over the pole, and (wheeeee!) my butt gathered about 2 feet of air between itself and the saddle. I stayed on (which is miraculous considering how unstable I've become in the last few years) but I'll admit I was shaken up.

Sarah started saying that maybe we just needed to get Rue back in consistent work, but then paused, cocked her head, and told me to try again in half seat this time.  Push my hands up her neck and make no contact.  Still a shooting, weird, reaction - not quite as extreme as the first, but still something.

Sarah had me hop off. We took the saddle off and Sarah palpated Rue's body - back, neck, shoulder, hind end.  Flinching, tensing, reactive all over. Something is up.

I walked out of the ring feeling defeated. I tried to brush her off and she flinched. Even on her legs. Even on her face - which she usually loves.  She shot forward when I went to put her blanket on.

Sarah's (and my) suspicion is that she's having a lyme flare up (or a new episode altogether I guess). Either that or ulcers again.  The vet is coming out on Tuesday to pull a lyme titer. Here's one more thing wrong. One more speed bump.

I drove home sobbing and here's where the pity party commenced:

With all the other shit going wrong in my life, the barn is my haven. And now, it's one more thing to stress about. I feel like even on our really good days, I am an imposter, a bad rider. It's taken me years to get where some of my friends have gotten in just a few months with their horses. And with all the setbacks, it's just undoing all the great work we've done this winter. I cried to Cole and one of my barn friends that I should just get Rue better and then sell her.

Shortly, I'll be taking back over my payments on Mystic since he's come off free lease as a lesson horse. Having to pay for both horses will be a stretch, and I'm not financially comfortable enough to keep putting money into a horse I am not good enough to ride.

Last night, I said I wanted to quit riding.

Cole stopped me right there.  He said that up until a month ago, I was having great rides. He said that until a month ago, he knew how much I loved the barn and considered it my happy place. That this was just the proverbial last straw and having my safe place become stressful was causing me to overreact.

We ordered our Chinese food and he told me to sleep on it.

And I'm glad he did.

I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated. I had a dream about our first novice event at Kent last year. The one in the rain. Where my little mare gave her 10,000% on a dreary, wet, slippery cold day and didn't put a foot wrong in any phase despite it. Where I came off XC beaming like an idiot and couldn't stop for days after.

This dream was exactly what I needed.  I wouldn't want someone to write me off or give up on me because of my health issues, and I won't write Rue off because of hers. She deserves for me to scrape every penny I can to make her feel well again. She's my partner, and I have to be the same for her.

These setbacks are frustrating.. but they are part of life. The road to achieving goals is not linear, and that is what makes the triumph so much sweeter.

Sometimes you just have to fail your way to success.

So here's to this month's failures. Onwards and upwards.

<3 A