the plan.

It's April. A lot has happened since my last post.

My dad is in the midst of chemotherapy. I am still walking around with steri-strips on my face. Rue is just getting back into work now.

The general gist of it is that, after lots of lameness diagnostics, the problem was narrowed down to Rue's SI joint and the surrounding musculature. Probably acute, but she likely also had some chronic pain there to begin with. We chose to do an ultrasound guided 4-way injection of the SI, followed by a long, slow rehab process.

This is basically what it consists of, including a few things that I am wholly skeptical about (and will address):

1. Lots of walking for fitness. Walking in the ring. Walking on the trails. Walking hills. Walking in the Pessoa rig. Walking over poles. Walking, walking, walking.

*Side note #1: A vet friend recommended the use of the Pessoa rig 1-2x a week. Walking only, for about 5-7 minutes on each side. I am generally skeptical of anything that forces a headset, but upon untangling the ropes and setting it up, it actually doesn't really force anything. The lines are on sliders, so as long as it's relatively loose, it truly does encourage the horse to reach underneath herself, rather than holding her head "in place." Only used it once so far, but I don't hate it yet.

2. A Back on Track sheet.  This, again, is something I'm totally not sold on. At ~$250, I should hope the damn thing works.  The idea is that the fabric is infused with ceramic fragments that trap body heat and warm the muscles/joints. I feel like it can't hurt, soooo.. bye moneys!

3. The addition of several important amino acids. This is for muscle building - another vet friend suggestion, just to add in over the next couple of months while we try to build Rue's back and hind end up. Lysine, threonine, and methionine. I opted to use the SmartMuscle Mass because it comes in pellets.. but Tri-Amino is a good source for this.

*Side note #2: I am not a supplement queen. In fact, I remember my advanced equine physio professor telling us that most supplements are "expensive piss fillers" and that has stuck with me for the long haul. If a horse is on a good, balanced feeding program, they really shouldn't need any supplementation.  That said, there are a handful that I subscribe to that are research-backed. One is probiotics. Those work.. period.  Indisputably.  Another is Cosequin ASU (which incidentally doesn't do much for less-mobile joints, like the SI). Not regular Cosequin.. not ASU plus.. just the plain old ASU.  ASU is the magic thing here; it seems to be the only real thing that has a significant effect in supporting cartilage production. The ASU plus has hyaluronic acid, which has nooooo evidence anywhere of being effective (in any species) when taken orally. /endrant

4. A schedule of chiropractic and acupuncture work.  On a personal note, I've never done acupuncture, but I have been to chiropractors my whole life and nothing has EVER stuck.  I didn't start feeling relief until I began going for massage therapy. My current massage therapist does trigger point massage and it is the best thing ever. I feel amazing every time I go. That said, I was hugely skeptical that chiropractics or acupuncture would have any effect on Rue. However, another vet recommendation and, what the hell do I have to lose? A vet who specializes in chiro/acupuncture came to work on the little bay mare. Rue was initially VERY muscle sore and is always kind of hypersensitive to touch.  But at the end of her appointment and since then, she seems to be significantly less painful upon palpation. She's also let me groom her without complaint, which is a first. We. Shall. See. A follow-up appointment is scheduled a month from now.

The scientist in me is frazzled that we have changed so many variables because that makes it so hard to see what is truly effective and what is just anecdotal crap. That said, I guess when it comes to maintenance, it doesn't really matter, unless you want to save money (which, let's face it, I've given up on a long time ago because.. horses).

I am okay with this plan. I'm more than okay with the timeframe (ie: however long it takes). If we don't show until the fall, that's fine.  If we don't get to any shows this year, so be it. We've got nothin' but time.

So far, so good on the plan.  Bay mare had her first training ride back today and "she was awesome!" as per Sarah <3

Lesson tomorrow. Fingers crossed for more awesomeness.

<3 A

all the doctors.

Things have been.. tough.

The most important update is that, after a bunch of tests and procedures, my dad does have lymphoma. We find out the extent of his treatment plan today. Likely, it will include chemotherapy, possibly targeted radiation or immunotherapy. That happens later today and I'm admittedly more nervous about that than anything else. I would talk more about it, but I'm just not sure I have it in me right now.

Rue came back lyme negative. We're treating her for ulcers, but are pretty certain that's not it. Definitely a hind end lameness - maybe a muscle strain, maybe stifles, maybe back soreness from the saddle debacle. Maybe a bit of all of those. Either way, the vet is coming out today to check her out. I won't be there (see below), but some more news to wait anxiously for.  In the interim, she's been basking in the sun, enjoying time off.

Like actually, a princess.

As for myself - I had my most recent (third overall) skin cancer surgery on my nose on Monday. It is a little intense looking, but I have been assured by my plastic surgeon that the outcome should be quite good. Over the last few days, it's been insanely swollen and painful.. and I've been sitting here trying to recover:

Believe it or not, this is LESS swollen than yesterday. Frankenstein's monster FTW.

As I sit here, not totally able to see since the swelling is impeding my vision a bit, I keep going back and forth with just how much of a bummer things are.  I feel often like I can't get out from under it, and it's really hard to stay upbeat when the world keeps throwing more shit your way. But I'm here. Dealing with it. Taking deep breaths and trying to hang out.

Because really, when faced with adversity, what other choice do we have? 

<3 A

when it rains.

I've been avoiding writing anything because that would ultimately mean I'd need to reflect on the last few weeks and.. well, I haven't wanted to.

But after having a big fat pity party for myself last night (during which I sat with Cole and stuffed my face full of Chinese food and sobbed about life), I've picked myself up and dusted off the layer of "Why me?" that I've been wearing lately.

Here's the general scoop: Rue got her hocks done while I recovered from my latest back issue. During this time, I scheduled another skin-cancer surgery on my nose that consists of a pretty decent reconstruction (about 2 weeks of down time - that is happening later this month), my uncle died, and then of course there is the real issue - the one that has had me all consumed: I found out that my dad has a mesenteric mass in his abdomen.

After I found out, I spent a few days just in shock, absorbing it all, trying to figure out what it all means. Words like "lymphoma" and "chemotherapy" have been thrown around and I just can't quite figure out what to make of it. I vacillate between trying to be strong for my family - doing my best not to show how scared I am - and melting down. There have been lots of appointments and there will be plenty more, I'm sure. But recently we got the best news we could really hope for - that if it is the dreaded L word, it's at least early. Whatever it is, it needs to come out. After that, we'll take it from there.

This has been my focus - and I think understandably so. But that means that the rest of my life has been put on hold. As much as I love riding, I can't quite give enough shits about it to shift the focus off of my family right now.

All that said, I really haven't been riding. I had one decent ride last week, and Rue was okay. A little reactive and weird. Swishing her tail. Impossible to brush. But I just chalked it up to sensitive Thoroughbred skin and crappy cold weather.  Then Sarah did a training ride on her last week and said she was sensitive and just not quite being herself. Again, maybe just the fact that we hadn't been working her much? But then.. a bit off her feed. Eating, but slowly, though her teeth had just recently been done.

We tried a lesson yesterday and it was telling.  Rue was mostly obedient while we flatted but again, a bit weird off my leg. Sarah asked how she felt and I said, kind of unsure of myself - fine? I think? Maybe a bit sensitive? I don't know. I doubt myself and my feel in all of these situations. We started trotting poles. Mostly fine. Kind of quiet.

Until it wasn't. For seemingly no reason, Rue surged forward, leaping 41981471013 feet in the air over the pole, and (wheeeee!) my butt gathered about 2 feet of air between itself and the saddle. I stayed on (which is miraculous considering how unstable I've become in the last few years) but I'll admit I was shaken up.

Sarah started saying that maybe we just needed to get Rue back in consistent work, but then paused, cocked her head, and told me to try again in half seat this time.  Push my hands up her neck and make no contact.  Still a shooting, weird, reaction - not quite as extreme as the first, but still something.

Sarah had me hop off. We took the saddle off and Sarah palpated Rue's body - back, neck, shoulder, hind end.  Flinching, tensing, reactive all over. Something is up.

I walked out of the ring feeling defeated. I tried to brush her off and she flinched. Even on her legs. Even on her face - which she usually loves.  She shot forward when I went to put her blanket on.

Sarah's (and my) suspicion is that she's having a lyme flare up (or a new episode altogether I guess). Either that or ulcers again.  The vet is coming out on Tuesday to pull a lyme titer. Here's one more thing wrong. One more speed bump.

I drove home sobbing and here's where the pity party commenced:

With all the other shit going wrong in my life, the barn is my haven. And now, it's one more thing to stress about. I feel like even on our really good days, I am an imposter, a bad rider. It's taken me years to get where some of my friends have gotten in just a few months with their horses. And with all the setbacks, it's just undoing all the great work we've done this winter. I cried to Cole and one of my barn friends that I should just get Rue better and then sell her.

Shortly, I'll be taking back over my payments on Mystic since he's come off free lease as a lesson horse. Having to pay for both horses will be a stretch, and I'm not financially comfortable enough to keep putting money into a horse I am not good enough to ride.

Last night, I said I wanted to quit riding.

Cole stopped me right there.  He said that up until a month ago, I was having great rides. He said that until a month ago, he knew how much I loved the barn and considered it my happy place. That this was just the proverbial last straw and having my safe place become stressful was causing me to overreact.

We ordered our Chinese food and he told me to sleep on it.

And I'm glad he did.

I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated. I had a dream about our first novice event at Kent last year. The one in the rain. Where my little mare gave her 10,000% on a dreary, wet, slippery cold day and didn't put a foot wrong in any phase despite it. Where I came off XC beaming like an idiot and couldn't stop for days after.

This dream was exactly what I needed.  I wouldn't want someone to write me off or give up on me because of my health issues, and I won't write Rue off because of hers. She deserves for me to scrape every penny I can to make her feel well again. She's my partner, and I have to be the same for her.

These setbacks are frustrating.. but they are part of life. The road to achieving goals is not linear, and that is what makes the triumph so much sweeter.

Sometimes you just have to fail your way to success.

So here's to this month's failures. Onwards and upwards.

<3 A

minor setbacks.

This past Sunday, we did a jumping clinic with the infamous Marilyn Payne. While it absolutely could have been worse, Rue and I had a rough time.

The clinic was focused on gymnastics and developing a good eye for our "line."  Rue is always a little hot over fences, but this was something else. The whole time, she was explosive and crooked to each fence and each time she surged forward and launched over something, my back decided to have a little whimper.  This meant that as the clinic went on, the worse my riding got and I felt myself ultimately hanging on her face, which never helps.

To boot, I was riding in a saddle that did NOT fit her or me, since my saddle is currently out getting adjusted. I also forgot to swap out the extra-flexi Sprengers that - while fine for flatting - make my back extra cranky when I jump. Oops.

We also really haven't been jumping that much recently.  It's usually fine, and Rue is game, but I am just not strong enough to ride effectively anymore. My back gives me a lot of limitations and the days of No-Stirrup Champion of the World are long behind me because of it.

By the end of the clinic, something wasn't quite right. Rue quit on me and started stopping... at poles. If you know Rue, you know that she's a stadium and XC machine. She might give a good look, but she doesn't really stop often. We eventually got through it and Marilyn let us quit on a relatively quiet note, but I walked out feeling embarrassed.

My embarrassment soon faded and settled into worry. Sarah hopped in the driver's seat, turned to me, and said, "I *really* think she needs her hocks done."  I nodded. (I called the vet first thing today and set up an appointment for Friday.)

The conversation soon turned towards me and my back. Sarah asked me quite plainly if I'd ever considered selling Rue for something that was less hot  (ie: something easier on my sad, pathetic spine). She poignantly noted that me being crippled after a jump school isn't ideal.

I admit to her that I have thought of it. But that I don't know if riding Rue is the problem. I expanded on my admission to confess that I haven't really been following all of the doctor's orders, which were:

1. Do physical therapy stretches daily. Fail.
2. Massage therapy every 1-2 weeks. Another fail.
3. Wear brace while riding. Big fat fail.
4. Don't run until you've lost enough weight to make successful rehab likely. Super extra fail.

I got the world's biggest you're-an-idiot glare and a nice talking to.

Welp. Okay, so before we jump to the conclusion that Rue is making my back aggravated.. maybe I need to reevaluate how well I listen to my medical professionals.

It's hard though. I just have such a difficult time accepting that I have limitations that I didn't used to have. PT stretches are boring. I HATE massage. My brace is annoying. I don't know how to lose weight without running.

Writing those out makes them seem so trite. Every single one of those things is an excuse that is preventing me from becoming a good rider, healthier person, and better version of myself. It's time to stop.

So.. massage tomorrow (ugh), doctor on Monday to discuss another steroid shot and getting a brace that is less awful to wear, and today setting a diet plan to lose weight without running it all off.

Okay, 2017. I see your bullshit setbacks and I raise you a dismissive and determined middle finger.

<3 A

day jobs, chronic illness, & unfairness.

If you're lucky enough to have a horse, and unlucky enough to have a non-horsey full time job to fund said horse, you know just how hard the balancing act between work and barn time can be.

I say "unlucky" but I actually love my job. And because my fabulous, non-profit, education company is California-based, I work from a home office, with fairly flexible hours. My manager is all about helping me achieve work-life balance and making sure I don't overextend myself.

That said, if I could be rich enough to afford horses without it, I would probably quit in a heartbeat and spend all my time at the barn.

I consider myself very fortunate to have the ability (mostly) to shuffle my hours around and make it out to the barn 5-6 days a week. And if you know me, I am a compulsive planner - so every half-hour increment of my day is accounted for in both my Google calendar and my Passion Planner. This also means that when life throws a wrench into my happily-cranking machine of a life, I spiral a little bit out of control.

It happens more often than I care to acknowledge, as I have been dealing with a litany of chronic health issues for, oh, most of my life. I'm sure that they all will make cameos here as time goes on, but the most recent offender has been my back. My back has always been a little grumpy, ever since I was a kid, but a few years ago, I was hit by a car and fractured several vertebrae.. causing trauma-induced scoliosis, and a couple of disc herniations. Huzzah.  Since then, it's been a hotHOThot mess of issues.

After several, eh, heated discussions surrounding spinal fusions and hardware, my orthopedist and I agreed on the more conservative treatment plan of physical therapy, medication, steroid injections, and REST. I faithfully obliged (sort of.. as much as I could..) and got myself to a healthy-ish place. Being inactive was hard for me. I don't really like staying still and several months of being unable to ride, run, bike, or lift, left me pretty depressed, hella weak, and 30 lbs heavier.

When I got the go-ahead to start riding, I hit the barn THAT day. And rode in a clinic the following weekend :x

Miraculously, it held up. At least, well enough for me to continue riding and showing for the next few months. It bought me time to spend this winter building on our flatwork. Every once in a while, I felt a tweak. I'd head home, pop a muscle relaxer and an anti-inflammatory, and sit with the heating pad on while Netflix-binging. It worked.

Until it didn't.

This Sunday after the dressage show, I woke up with the all-too-familiar sensation of numbness in my right leg and a stabbing, evil pain in my lower right back. I put my elbows underneath me and tried to sit up. NOPE.

NOPENOPENOPE.

I've been pretty much on the floor since then.  Today it's Wednesday and this is the first time I can sort of sit comfortably.  I hobbled to the barn yesterday to lunge my horse, and Sarah told me to go home - that she would ride Rue the next few days, to rest so I can feel better by Sunday because, oh, yeah, I have a clinic with Marilyn Payne to ride in.

So I'm "resting" today and tomorrow. Really, I am sitting at my desk with my feet up and a heating pad, grumbling relentlessly about all the hard work I am going to lose if my back decides to keep being a jerk. And that's really what I wanted to rant about here: the unfairness of it.

Having chronic illnesses makes riding harder. It means that even if you find the time, your body may not agree to let you use it. It means that working until midnight and rearranging schedules just so you can squeeze rides in isn't even worth it. It means that you watch with frustration as other riders, able-bodied and healthy, do a half-assed job working their horses - barely riding even though they can.

I get angry with the "I can'ts" that are really "I won'ts," and I watch sadly from the sidelines, or on the other side of a computer screen, jealously wishing I could trade with them.. just for a while. That I could have a healthy, agreeable body so I could sit the trot comfortably, or stretch taller through my transitions.

But that's life, right? We're all dealt unfair hands in one way or another, and my health is mine.

The bottom line is, my love for riding far outweighs the physical pain or the frustration I get from constant setbacks.  So for now, I'll keep pushing through for the days when my body lets me do what I love.. and I'll savor every moment of it.

<3 A

first show of the year.

Yesterday, we went to our first show of the year. It was "just" a schooling dressage show but I think schooling opportunities are just as important as recognized shows. For us, this set a baseline for the season to come.

After a 3am wakeup, my show partner Sara P and I fed all the horses who looked hungrily (albeit confusedly) at us before groggily prepping our two mares.

With Rue, I like to do a quick lunge session in the morning before we trailer out. I'm not sure if we need to do this anymore as she's sort of grown up and gotten a brain, but as an OTTB mare who is prone to having anxious/tense moments, I think it helps to let her stretch and relax some before a show.  It hasn't hurt us yet, so I keep doing it.

After two hours in the truck with BFF-trainer Sarah and show companion Sara P, and then Sara S following behind with her own rig (why so many Sara(h)s!?) with our awesome barn buddy Kaitlin (who got up at the asscrack of dawn just to help in the cold <3), we arrived at the horse park ready and raring to go.  The first people there. Before the show crew.

Barn fam is the best fam.

Luckily my tests were early.. I had the second and sixth rides of the day. Because I tend to get hella nervous, I prefer this low-prep, go-and-be-done type of scenario. #stressage

Surprisingly, I held it together today, even as Rue was a little looky to start with in the big, open indoor.  Last year, I probably would have tightened up and pulled, or jammed my leg on her.. but I just walked around and let her relax.  Trainer reminded me to still have some contact ("soft" is not "not there" - oops, still figuring that out) and little Ruebear settled down. Once we started actually schooling, she was pretty on her game.

Dressage will always be our struggling point. It requires softness, feel, and relaxation that doesn't come easily to a tense OTTB and an anxious-minded redhead.  But it has gotten remarkably better from last season to this one as evidenced by our quiet - a-little-boring, somewhat-crooked, not-quite-through, oy-you-need-to-work-on-transitions-and-suppleness, um-that's-not-a-circle - tests.

My hands are NOT in my crotch #win

Truly no surprises or terrible moments, a lot of what we expected to hear, but really a better experience than I had anticipated. In our Novice A test, we scored a 33 which, to many, is not amazing, but we got two 7.5s and some lovely remarks about our trotwork so I consider this our best novice test to date. We also made a first attempt at Novice B, in which we got a respectable 37. Not awesome, but it's a tougher test and Rue was as good as I could have asked for. I'll take it!

They grouped all the eventing tests together, so we got a 3rd and 6th, but I always contest that the ribbon matters little to me compared to the ride.

That said, I did make our show crew wait around so I could see if we won the TIP (Thoroughbred Incentive Program) award because it was a pretty blue neck ribbon and I really wanted it. (Rue did too).

Fun fact, we did win it :)

Rue in blue.

But again, neck ribbon aside, we came home with a lot of homework:

1. Transitions - "thousands of them" per the judge
2. Geometry - "circles instead of amoebas" per the trainer
3. Suppleness and consistency - per both

We're also talking about hock injections before the season begins which is a story for another time, but for now, very proud of my little bay mare for giving her all and proud of myself for not losing my shit and having FUN at a show.

As an aside, Sara and Sara also did amazingly! Sara S took home a 4th and 5th in her BN tests, and Sara P won all of her intro classes! Overall a fabulous day for everyone!

The three Sara(h)s and.. me.  // Our loot.

<3 A

on getting started.

I've always felt fairly insecure when it comes to my expertise with horses, despite the fact that I have been riding for twenty-plus years. I often consider this a type of humility, but perhaps at some point it crosses over into irrational self-doubt. My trainer, who incidentally is also my best friend, constantly reminds me, "You know how to ride."

(Maybe she's right.  Maybe I am. I like to believe that she wouldn't push me quite so hard if I wasn't capable of it but why can't I see what she sees?)

Perhaps it has something to do with my background.

After 16 years spent riding my reliable, quiet, and inherently kind Appendix gelding, Mystic, I went through a peculiar quarter-life crisis. During this time, I quit my rotten job (on a whim) and purchased an OTTB with my savings (without first finding another job).

Mystic was nearing retirement and I had pleeeeenty of time to work with this 4 year old bay mare because, well, I had just quit my job. On the drive back to the barn, we named her Rue. It was a perfect choice, and I knew that everything would be great.

It wasn't.

I got a new job (since I'm not independently wealthy or dating an 80 year old bazillionaire) and I spent a lot of time dealing with health issues. I very rarely got to the barn, and when I did, every ride was stressful. Rue could barely walk quietly and I couldn't stop hanging on her mouth. We fed off of each other's anxiety, and couldn't find any soft moments.

I cried all the time. When I rode. As I lunged. On the drive up to the barn. On the way home.

I didn't know how to work with a green, anxious, hot horse and I had no patience for it.  Sarah, my best-friend-turned-trainer, took that little mare away from me on more than one occasion when a ride turned into a frustrated battle of will (battles I will admit now that I could never win.)

One day, Sarah looked at me and said, "This horse is cool. I will buy her from you if you want and we can get you something you can enjoy." In my sourness, I replied, "Maybe I should get something I can ride." In her typical blunt fashion, Sarah replied, "I can't make you do anything, but you can ride this horse. Rue isn't Mystic and she isn't going to be him. You just need to commit to it and make it work."

-sound of record stopping-

Oh.

I had spent months comparing this little mare to my perfect Mystic and had barely recognized doing so.  In that moment, Sarah's wisdom startled and humbled me, and I decided to put my heart into making it work with Rue.

Fast forward three years later and here we stand - having completed our first recognized novice event last season.  This was not magic, nor was it a feat of strength. Rather, it was years of learning - with Sarah's guidance - how to be a patient, soft, and compassionate rider. (I'm still working on all of these.) It has been figuring out how to set myself and Rue up for success - finding that fine line between overfacing and pushing us as a team.

As appreciative as I am for having had Mystic as a teacher for almost two decades, I also recognize how much I have grown in the last few years because of Rue. She has forced me to become a more effective and empathetic rider. She has taught me tools to improve my patience. She has shown me what hard work can lead to.

I am forever in debt to this little mare who dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the hunter/jumper world and gave me a path into the world of eventing. I never understood real excitement until I came off our XC run at our first event, double clear and adrenaline high. From that point, I knew I wasn't turning back, and it's been onward and upward ever since.

I can't wait to see where life takes us, in 2017 and beyond.

<3 A